A Dry Season

We’ve all had those moments in our walk with Christ that we have felt some sort of “spiritual high” or extreme growth and closeness with God. But at least for me a lot more often I feel like I’m stuck in a dry and barren land without growth and where I honestly just don’t desire God. This in turn leads to doubt. Are Christians supposed to feel this way? Should I feel guilty for not desiring God? Do I need God? Am I even saved?

This dry season filled with a seemingly withering faith and trust and an abundance of doubt is a scary place. It’s confusing and it makes me feel really down and like a worthless person. I get angry and annoyed not with God, but with myself for not being a “better Christian”. I don’t know if any of what I am saying here makes sense, but I’ve been beginning to wonder where all of these strange feelings and doubts stem from.

I’m really starting to think that the root of a lot of this is pride. Not that I go around priding myself in my talents or abilities or how great of a person I think I am, but in the fact that I treat each day like it was made for ME to do what I want. I do what I want when I want and I’ll make time for God if I feel like it. It’s prideful and selfish of me to think that the time God has given me should be used for anything else than to love and serve him. I mean seriously…God doesn’t NEED me to exist, but he allows it.  So who am I to think that any moment of the day should revolve around me?

Shouldn’t the fact that God allows me to even exist send me to my knees? Yeah probably, but it doesn’t all the time. It’s like I know God loves me, I know he is worthy of all of my worship, and time, and I still don’t desire him sometimes. This goes back to the pride issue. I spend “my” time wasting it…also meaning I’m not reading my Bible, I’m not praying, I’m not actively loving other people. Which is why my life feels dead and barren sometimes, because it’s not filled with the one who GIVES LIFE. When we aren’t continually immersed in scripture that is when doubt often creeps its way in. Our apathy is a pretty large foothold for Satan to stand on and to fill our minds and thoughts with all sort of doubt.  Realizing this has really reiterated to me just how important and completely NECESSARY it is to be surrounded with TRUTH. And where do we find this truth? Scripture!

We might not always desire to read out Bibles or spend time alone to just talk to and listen for God, but at least for me the more that I do these things, the more I crave it.  It’s just like getting to know a new friend. Before you knew them you obviously didn’t desire to spend time with them, because you knew nothing about them. But then you start getting to know  this new person and what their personality is like and you find yourself wishing to be with that person and enjoying each others presence. It’s SOOOO similar with God. It might take time and just like any relationship you’ll have to work at it, but in the end it is BEYOND WORTH IT. The more I read and learn about who God is and his character the more I WANT to spend time with him…and the more I realize that he is not just a part of my life that I “make time for” but HE IS MY LIFE and he made time so I could spend it with him.

These are just a few of my thoughts recently. Hopefully I’ll continue on with this sometime soon. 

Moving On

The past three weeks or so of my life have been some of the most challenging times of my life. God has been throwing things my way that I’m not ready to deal with and that quite honestly I don’t know if I want to deal with at all, but that doesn’t stop them from coming. It seems like as soon as I start to get a grip on one thing, something else falls apart and I’m left again trying to pick myself back up again. I hate everything about it, but when I think about it this is exactly what I have been asking for. Over the past year or so I’ve been praying for God to force me out of my comfort zone so I’m forced to rely on him and trust in him alone. I thought leaving for college this year would be the push that I needed, but honestly I’ve never been more comfortable in my life. Sure it was a huge change moving away from home and meeting all new people, but it wasn’t uncomfortable for me in the slightest bit. I found friends I truly love, I found friends who have the same beliefs as I do, and I’m taking classes I can succeed in. Overall I’ve been living a pretty chill and comfortable life here at school. I’m beyond thankful for all of that, but coming here hasn’t really challenged me to rely on God’s faithfulness anymore than I already had. Not until recently that is. Over the past month God has been literally stripping away my comfort. As much as it hurts, as much as it HATE it, this is the challenge I’ve been asking for. It’s sort of like when you pray for patience. God doesn’t just give us patience but he often gives us the opportunity to be patient. That is what has been happening to me. Through all of this mess I’ve had nowhere else to turn but to God.  Which is the way it should be. I tend to run to people to help fix me, but the only one truly capable of repairing my heart is God.

Recently I’ve been incredibly hurt and let down by particular people in my life. One-minute things look hopeful and seem to be going well and the next minute I’m left feeling used and hurt.  But that’s our human depravity. We let people down and people let us down, it’s a sad reality but it’s also true. Something God has been showing me through this is that even though people leave me and let me down HE NEVER WILL! God is never going to leave me. There is nothing I can do to make God turn his back to me and leave me broken and alone. Even when I deny him with my words and my actions he still embraces me in his arms. It gives me goose bumps everywhere. God is forever a constant in my life even when it feels like everything else is changing.

Another thing I’ve been learning is that when people hurt you it’s so easy to harbor bitterness in your heart towards people and to let that get the best of you. God’s been showing me the importance of praying for these people. Instead of talking negatively about someone, or thinking poorly of them. I’ve been learning to pray for them instead. God truly has softened my heart towards people who’ve heart me, and it has allowed me to genuinely love these people despite the hurt.  God has shown me nothing but Grace my entire life, so who am I to withhold that same Grace from others? Maybe the reason these people hurt me was so I had the opportunity to show them grace and to forgive them…something any of us could use a little practice at…

Crappy and hurtful situations happen to teach us something and to grow us into stronger people. It is important to always remember what we’ve learned from these situations, but not to let the memory of the actual pain overcome the good that can come out of it. Life is far to short to let the pains in life get the best of us. I understand that pain is real and it takes time to get over things, but I can say from experience that dwelling over the hurt only prolongs the healing process. As much as it hurts we’ve got to move on, let go and let God be the healer. 

We are All a little Weird

Something that I really just don’t understand is when people claim that someone is “not normal” or “weird”. What does that even mean? How can anyone be normal? We were all created unique from one another and absolutely no two people are the same. I mean sure there are people who may sport an untypical style or sense of humor, but that doesn’t make them abnormal, it makes them who they are.

I believe that we are all weird and we should encourage everyone else’s weirdness. How boring life would be if we all tried to hide our different personalities for the sole purpose of trying to be “normal”.  I mean for real, even the most confident people think things like, “Oh I can’t do or say that in front of them, they might think I’m weird.” Who cares?! People are going to judge you no matter what, that’s just the way it is. So since we can’t stop this, our uniqueness is something we should embrace. God’s pretty darn creative in making all of us individually and there should be no shame in letting the world see us for who we truly are.

Isn’t it true that the people we enjoy being around the most are the people we feel completely comfortable being around? These are the people we don’t feel the need to impress, but the people who love us for just being us.

Since coming to college this year I feel as though God has really freed me from my fear of what other people think of me. I’m still human so of course I still want to be accepted, but God has shown me the value I posses in being his daughter and his creation. My worth comes from him, not in what other people say or think about me. I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy to let go of this fear of being “weird” or not being accepted, but I am telling you that IT IS worth it.  It is a freeing thing to have confidence in who God made you, even if other people might not appreciate it as much as he does.

So encourage others to be their own little weird selves because nobody is normal.

If you want to wear those crocs, go for it! If you want to wear that shirt with the giant cat on it, wear it! If you’re a male and you feel like watching The Notebook, do it! If you can’t get that Justin Bieber song out of your head, then sing it ALL the way to class for all to hear. All I have to say is, I like the “weird”!

And another Dr. Seuss quote!

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

We All Just Want To be Unique

What’s so unique about being unique if everyone else wants to be unique?

Since starting college something I’ve noticed about people in general is that we all desire to be “unique”. We all desire for people to look at us and see something original, whether that be in the way we dress, in the obscure indie band we listen to, or in the books/poetry we read etc.…I could go on and on about all the different ways we think we are being original, but in reality there is nothing original about making up some self-image that you probably stole from some other “unique” person. This “originality” we like to think we have probably didn’t even originate with us in the first place.

The only way to be TRULY ORIGINAL is to be YOU! God only made one of you. Let’s be real here, God could have easily made all of us the same. He could have made us with the same appearance, the same hearts, the same talents, the same laugh, the same smile, the same sense of humor, but he didn’t. He knew that when he created each of us individually that some how all of our unique qualities as humans could some how fit together to love him and to love others.  And what an adventure this life is getting to know and experience people for who God truly made them.

There is no other person on the face of the entire earth or in the entire universe that is EXACTLY like you. Now that is what I call original. God made us to be ourselves and to share ourselves the way he created us, not in the way we’ve created ourselves to be. God knew what he was doing when he made you, and there is something deeply unique and beautiful about every single person. It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to see that in most people because we are overly concerned about trying to be someone we’re not and how others perceive us.

If you think about it, it’s just plain ridiculous to feel self-conscious and to hide who we truly are. I also imagine God must be sort of insulted when we think the way he created us isn’t good enough. Imagine how much more enjoyable life would be if we all just accepted ourselves for who we are, even if other people don’t. I’m aware that accepting ourselves is certainly no easy process. I believe that self-image is where Satan has one of the biggest footholds in most peoples’ lives. It makes sense. One of the best books I’ve ever read called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (which everyone needs to read by the way) puts this so clearly. Satan was an angel and he was in fact BEAUTIFUL. Upon his betrayal of God he lost all that was beautiful about him, so it makes sense why he attacks our beauty. He HATES that we are beautiful and he isn’t. So really, the reason we don’t feel beautiful and don’t realize the true beauty God has created in each of us is in fact BECAUSE WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. Such a crazy thought, but so incredibly true. Satan makes us feel like we aren’t beautiful, because he hates how beautiful we actually are. He has to find a way to convince us that the beauty God created us with never existed and that we have no beauty to unveil. How sad, but true. Fighting this battle of where our worth and value comes from is a lifelong struggle, but thankfully we have the creator of beauty on our side!

Think about someone in your life who seems to understand the concept that their beauty and worth as a person comes from God. There is something attractive about a person who knows who they are in Christ. By attractive I don’t mean physically attractive. I mean attractive like the stars on a clear night attract our eyes. There is something so mysterious and different about the sky that we could look at it for hours just desiring to see beyond the surface. In the same way people who truly know with their heart that they have been created in God’s image and that in and of itself makes them good enough, is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have.  These are also the kind of people who are the most unique/original. They have found their true identity in Christ and have realized that since God doesn’t make duplicates they have a purpose. Someday, I hope to be one of these people. Not so I can pride myself in how “unique” I am, but so I can glorify God in who he made me to be.

Anyway, I could write on this topic forever, but because I’m probably just rambling at this point I wont do that. Instead I’ll end this with a very fitting Dr. Seuss quote.

“You are you. This is truer than true. There is no one alive who is more youer than you!” –Dr. Seuss

Psalm 139

    For the choir director: A psalm of David.

 ¹ O LORD, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
 ² You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
 ³ You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
 ⁴ You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, LORD.
 ⁵ You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!

 ⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
      I can never get away from your presence!
 ⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
      if I go down to the grave,^[a] you are there.
 ⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
      if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
      and your strength will support me.
 ¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
      and the light around me to become night—
    ¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
   To you the night shines as bright as day.
      Darkness and light are the same to you.

 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 ¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
 ¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.

 ¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,^[b]O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
 ¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!

 ¹⁹ O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
      Get out of my life, you murderers!
 ²⁰ They blaspheme you;
      your enemies misuse your name.
 ²¹ O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
      Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
 ²² Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
      for your enemies are my enemies.

 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 ²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you,
      and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Searching In All the Wrong Places

One of my favorite things to do when I am home is to get in my car and just drive. I like driving a whole lot and I particularly love it when I’m listening to worship music. Sometimes if I’m having a bad day or I’m just feeling down car rides are a great place to just sing to God and vent to God about what has been on my heart. This past evening when I was driving, the Tenth Avenue North song Love is Here came on. I’ve heard this song literally hundreds of times and I almost skipped over it, but I decided to listen to it anyway. This time the song seemed to take on a whole new meaning to me. If you’ve heard the song you know the chorus goes something like this:

Love is here.

Love is now.

Love is pouring from

His hands, from his brow.

Love is near, it satisfies.

Streams of mercy flowing from his side.

Cuz love is here.

We act like we are all on some sort of mission to find love. We desire it to the core of our being. We want to be loved, we want to feel love, and we spend SOOO much of our time trying to find it in all the wrong places. I’m guilty of this too. I find myself thinking about my future husband and how if I just had him now my life would somehow be complete and I could stop searching for love. Except…none of that is true. Love is imperfect, at least the kind of human love that we have. There is no man on this earth who can fill the deep desire I have to be loved. Don’t get me wrong, finding love and relationships are all great things, in fact we are called to love one another, but what I really mean is that TRUE and REAL love will never be found in another human being.

As much as I want a husband and someone to love me, LOVE IS HERE. Just as the Tenth Avenue North song says, “Love is here. Love is now.” As cliché as it can sound we don’t have to look to the future when we think about love. God, love himself, is right here and is constantly extending his love to us every minute of everyday. We don’t have to look far at all to see the love of God. Everywhere we look we can see God romancing and pursuing us. I see God’s love in sunsets, the sparkles on the snow, the stars, the sun, the moon, and flowers.

And just a side thought… us girls would feel so loved and special if a boy were to send us flowers, but wait our God CREATED flowers, talk about feeling loved and special now! All of creation is God pursuing us and showing us that he loves us. Think about that.

This isn’t some kind of shallow love either. This isn’t the kind of love that has the potential to end. This isn’t the kind of love you “fall out of” either, the love of Christ is unlike any other kind of love we have ever known, have ever felt, or will ever experience. We will never be able to fully understand this kind of love, especially because of how jaded and bitter bad relationships have made us feel towards love. Even though “earthly” love doesn’t always last, God’s love is everlasting, unconditional, perfect, and satisfying. His love is the only love that can ever fill/satisfy that void we keep trying to fill with the wrong kind of love. If only we could grasp the magnitude of His love we could stop running the exhausting chase after love in all the wrong places.

When We Are Most Broken, God Is Most Present

Broken. The dictionary defines the meaning of this word as “reduced to fragments.” Another definition states that broken means “not functioning properly; out of working order”. A lot of times we use this word broken to describe our emotions or feelings. A broken heart, a broken spirit, a broken relationship, or whatever situation it is. But think about it, what happens when things are broken? Imagine a situation where a child’s toy breaks. They hand it over to their mom or dad, and their parents put it back together; they repair it. If the toy had not broken there would be no need for a parent to step in and fix the toy. I believe it is this same kind of brokenness that happens in our lives that sends us running to our Heavenly Father, who steps in and puts us back together.

We are broken down into these fragments that the definition talks about. These fragments represent pieces of our hearts that show who we truly are. Some of the pieces are ugly. Sometimes these ugly pieces reveal the sin issues that were once buried within, but now that they are broken and scattered, it is the perfect time for us to sort them out. A lot of time in order to combat the sin in our lives we HAVE to be broken, our comfort HAS to be taken away, so that way we HAVE to rely on God. It sucks, but it’s true and how lucky we to have a God willing to help us sort through these pieces. In the same way a child can’t fix the broken toy, we can’t fix our brokenness alone.

If anyone understands what it means to be broken its God. The act of his death on the cross gives a perfect image of what brokenness looks like. But a lot of times when we look at a cross we don’t see brokenness, we see hope. God used the seemingly broken state of his son, to restore the brokenness of humanity. God understands COMPELTELY what it means to be broken, and he knows how to COMPLETELY restore it. In the same way he can use the brokenness on the cross to ultimately save and redeem, he can use the brokenness in our lives to give way to truth and to restore our hearts.

As much as it hurts to be in a broken state I’m thankful that it happens. It is in times of brokenness that I grow closest to my Father and realize the authority he has over my life as well as His never ending love. He knows me better than I know myself, and despite the pain, I’m glad when He intervenes. 

Beyond the Telescope

There is something about the sunset and the sky in general that captivates me every time I look at it. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way, but when the sun is setting at night or rising in the morning I could just stare at it for hours and watch as the colors and shapes shift into new forms. It amazes me that every time I look at a sunset I will NEVER ever see that exact arrangement of colors and clouds ever again. Sure there will be sunsets day in and day out but never will we see the exact same one. This thought gives me a whole new appreciation for them as I get the privilege of watching my Creator paint something NEW every day right before my eyes.

In many ways I feel like the sky represents life. The sky is enormous and mysterious. We can’t see all of it, but we still know it is beautiful even though we have hardly seen past the surface. Imagine the beauty that can’t be seen with the naked eye or even the world’s largest telescope. In the same way there is SO much in our life that we can’t see. Just like the sky, God created our lives and though we can’t see al of it, HE CAN and he knows the beauty that lies ahead and the beauty that lies within us that is screaming to come out. On gloomy days when the sky is masked with clouds it is easy to let what we see become how we feel. We see a sad looking day and it’s easy to feel glum and lack joy about the day God has given us. But that’s just it. We allow our impaired vision to tell us that what we see is all there is to it.

The sun is shining EVERY SINGLE DAY. It never ceases to rise, just because we can’t see it under the clouds doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. The same applies with life, when we are struggling or battling something in life we tend to feel trapped and hopeless, because all WE are seeing is what is in plain sight, but what GOD sees is the beauty that is ahead and the beauty that WILL ALWAYS come out of the pain. We can have faith that God knows what he is doing, just like we can have faith that the sun still exists when we don’t see it. God’s vision, unlike ours, is not impaired, but is perfect and all seeing.

It’s time we put the cheap telescopes away, appreciate the beauty we can see, but also remember there is SO MUCH MORE that God has ALL control over. What a refreshing feeling to know that beyond the pain there will ALWAYS be the hope of a sunrise.