We’ve all had those moments in our walk with Christ that we
have felt some sort of “spiritual high” or extreme growth and closeness with
God. But at least for me a lot more often I feel like I’m stuck in a dry and
barren land without growth and where I honestly just don’t desire God. This in
turn leads to doubt. Are Christians supposed to feel this way? Should I feel
guilty for not desiring God? Do I need God? Am I even saved?
This dry season filled with a seemingly withering faith and
trust and an abundance of doubt is a scary place. It’s confusing and it makes
me feel really down and like a worthless person. I get angry and annoyed not
with God, but with myself for not being a “better Christian”. I don’t know if
any of what I am saying here makes sense, but I’ve been beginning to wonder
where all of these strange feelings and doubts stem from.
I’m really starting to think that the root of a lot of this
is pride. Not that I go around priding myself in my talents or abilities or how
great of a person I think I am, but in the fact that I treat each day like it
was made for ME to do what I want. I do what I want when I want and I’ll make
time for God if I feel like it. It’s prideful and selfish of me to think that
the time God has given me should be used for anything else than to love and
serve him. I mean seriously…God doesn’t NEED me to exist, but he allows
it. So who am I to think that any moment
of the day should revolve around me?
Shouldn’t the fact that God allows me to even exist send me to
my knees? Yeah probably, but it doesn’t all the time. It’s like I know God
loves me, I know he is worthy of all of my worship, and time, and I still don’t
desire him sometimes. This goes back to the pride issue. I spend “my” time
wasting it…also meaning I’m not reading my Bible, I’m not praying, I’m not
actively loving other people. Which is why my life feels dead and barren
sometimes, because it’s not filled with the one who GIVES LIFE. When we aren’t
continually immersed in scripture that is when doubt often creeps its way in.
Our apathy is a pretty large foothold for Satan to stand on and to fill our
minds and thoughts with all sort of doubt.
Realizing this has really reiterated to me just how important and
completely NECESSARY it is to be surrounded with TRUTH. And where do we find
this truth? Scripture!
We might not always desire to read out Bibles or spend time
alone to just talk to and listen for God, but at least for me the more that I
do these things, the more I crave it. It’s
just like getting to know a new friend. Before you knew them you obviously
didn’t desire to spend time with them, because you knew nothing about them. But
then you start getting to know this new
person and what their personality is like and you find yourself wishing to be
with that person and enjoying each others presence. It’s SOOOO similar with
God. It might take time and just like any relationship you’ll have to work at
it, but in the end it is BEYOND WORTH IT. The more I read and learn about who
God is and his character the more I WANT to spend time with him…and the more I
realize that he is not just a part of my life that I “make time for” but HE IS
MY LIFE and he made time so I could spend it with him.
These are just a few of my thoughts recently. Hopefully I’ll
continue on with this sometime soon.
